Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
