u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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