just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Dignity is for republicans.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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