I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm going to jail i love you
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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