I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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