Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
