Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
