found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
