She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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