When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
