So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
