whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
