Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
