I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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