Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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