Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
