Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
