I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
