The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
