Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
