The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
