I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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