Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
