Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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