The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
