PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
