I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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