yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
