Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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