My liver just broke up with me...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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