it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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