you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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