I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
