So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
