mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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