Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
