my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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