Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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