he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
