I could have mohawked her pubes.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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