brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
