the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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