I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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