i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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