I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
