She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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