just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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