your parents love me but you hate me
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
