Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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