You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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