I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize