I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
