I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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