There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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