went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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