I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
