You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Randomize
